I set out on a 50 mile ride on the morning of November 3rd. There was nothing out of the ordinary about this ride. I was going to do my Macy Grove Loop which was a fun little ride that I would do just to get out and hammer the pedals. It was chilly, but not cold enough to really worry about, and there was a slight breeze in the air. It was a pretty good day to ride considering the time of year. Everything went as planned, and I was having a nice and relaxing ride. When I was coming back through Kernersville, I even met up with another cyclist and we rode together for a few miles and chatted about the past riding season. Since it was windy, and he wasn't as strong of a rider, I offered to do all the pulling for a while and let him just hang on in the draft. After a few miles, his route changed from mine and we parted ways. I was coming into the last 7 or so miles of my route and turned onto Walkertown Guthrie Rd and did the brief descent into the valley and started to climb back up. I had ridden this route many times and could do it with my eyes closed.
As I was climbing out of the valley, I heard a truck coming up behind me and looked to see what it was. It was a Uhaul box truck which always makes me nervous since the people driving them are usually only used to a car the size of a Honda. It started to pass me with plenty of room, but as it passed me, it blocked the wind that had been pushing me to the right. I started to move over closer to the truck, which I expected, and I was able to correct for. As the truck continued to pass, he started to merge back over but had not cleared me yet. Apparently, they had not estimated my 13mph climb very well. As they came closer, I started to ease off the pedals and hugged the right shoulder of the road. This was going to be close, and I already had an exit strategy planned if he forced me off the road. There were no curbs here, so I could just go into the grass and come to a stop if needed.
What I wasn't expecting, was what actually happened. The truck finally cleared my bike, which was right on the edge of the pavement, which allowed that gusty wind to hit me broadside once again. I had already turned the wheel to the left getting ready to move back out into the lane when the gust hit me. I was pushed to the right, with the wheel turning to the left, just as the front wheel was pushed off the road and into the grass. Without time to compensate to go into the grass, the wheel stuck on the edge of the pavement and I felt the bike slide out from under me. The next thing that I was aware of was laying on my side still firmly attached to the pedals. I was laying in the middle of the road! I quickly unclipped and escaped from under the bike, moving the mess off to the side of the road so I would be safe.
It was time to assess the damage. The bike looked ok, the shifters were boogered up from hitting the pavement, the seat was scarred, and the bar tape was shredded on the left side, and the aluminum bar was gouged pretty badly from the impact. I got the chain put back on, and everything appeared to shift fine. I collected my water bottles and put everything back together on the bike. Then I started to look at me. I was bleeding on my left knee, but there were no broken bones that I was aware of. I had some pretty good road rash on my left leg as well. My shoes were torn up, but still intact. After collecting myself, and stifling the tears because I had hurt my bike, I climbed back on and checked my cleats to make sure that they would still clip in to the pedals. They did...so with a deep breath I went ahead and started back pedaling to finish the ride.
I quickly noticed that my chain was slipping badly, and I was having a hard time making it stop. I figured that the derailleur had been knocked out of adjustment. All I knew was that to keep from slipping, I needed to be in second or third gear, and in the little ring up front. This meant that I was pedalling really fast, and not making much speed, but at least I was able to make it home under my own steam.
The last five miles of that ride took what seemed to be an eternity. I could see the blood rushing down my leg, my ankle was hurting, and my shoulder was stinging. My mind was racing. I had been having the conversation with myself for most of the ride already about where I wanted to go from here. Did I want to repeat all the training that I had done and do the same events, or did I want to go for something more impressive for 2014? Did I want to slack off and enjoy the ride for the ride's sake? I was at a crucial point in my cycling career. Now I had a new thought rolling through my mind, and it was one that I had never considered before...
The biggest lie that I have ever told my wife Toni in the time that I have known her was that I was safe at work. I'm a police officer that works call answering in the field. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that this could potentially be a very dangerous job. She knew it, as did I...but I would always reassure her that I did everything that I could to remain safe and out of harm's way while still doing my job. I would come home to her every day, that was my promise.
The second biggest lie I ever told her was that I was perfectly safe on my bike, and I had no problem handling traffic. I would always finish my rides and return to her safely. That was my promise to her. Here I was, still bleeding, and limping home on a busted bike getting ready to face her at the door with no way of disguising the fact that I had been lying to her about my safety on a bike. I started to cry again, not able to hold back the tears. This time it wasn't for my bike, it wasn't for me, it was for the worry that I was going to put her through. I would have ridden another 100 miles in my current state if I could have put that off, but I was going to have to face the music eventually.
Toni was great about the whole thing. She just helped me to get cleaned up and remove the road grit from my wounds. I told her about the accident, and still tried to minimize it. I mean, I just fell off my bike, that was all. However, I had my answer to the ride's biggest questions at this point...what to do for 2014? I was done cycling. That was it, I didn't want to continue and risk Toni finding out that this wasn't my only lie to her. I didn't want her worrying about me at work like I knew she would. For her, and her sanity, I was going to quit cycling. She was supportive of this decision, as she would have been with any other decision I made, but I felt that this was what she wanted me to do anyway.
It took me a little while to figure out what was next, as I am not one to just sit around in my off time. After a lot of soul searching, I decided to go back to photography, which was my passion before cycling. The more I started to talk about, the more I wanted to get back into it. Toni had taken up pastels and I wanted us to be an artistic family, and I wanted to share that common thread with her. I started to piece together a kit to get started with, and got it all picked out. The only problem was I was going to need money to afford it. That was where my cycling gear came into play. I started to post it up for sale, and eventually sold everything, including the bike as it was after the crash. The shifting problem turned out to be very simple, and was fixed by reseating the wheels in the dropouts. Butter smooth again. I was able to make enough liquid cash that I was able to get back into the photography game once again and set out making pictures by the end of the month. By December, I was already maintaining a web presence through www.446photo.com which was my gallery as well as journal for my "Treks" as I called them. It wasn't nearly as extensive as what I had before cycling, but it was enough...or so I thought.
As the months passed, I got my photographic eye back, and started to create really cool images of old cars, barns, landscapes, etc. I even made the cover of a book by a local author. Ever since I started photography seriously in 2005, I had wanted to get published. It was a huge goal of mine for so long, and here we were, just a few weeks into getting back into photography, I had been given that chance. I wasn't all that exited about it when I made the deal though, and that concerned me. I told myself that I wasn't going to get excited until I actually saw the book in print with my picture on it. When that happened, I still didn't get that excited about it. What in the world was wrong with me?!?!?!?! This was a goal of mine for so long, and it meant next to nothing to me. I couldn't explain it, and there was no excuse available to make me understand.
I kept on taking pictures, and working on more and more complex compositions, and I was traveling more and more to get to these places. For once, I was able to take both Toni and our daughter Sierra with me on these treks (unlike when I would go for a ride). That made me happy, but I still felt a certain hole in my heart. Something was missing. I tried to focus on the photography more and more, but I was finding it hard to keep my attention on it, and found myself forcing treks because its what I should be doing.
In the meantime, there were some things that I was starting to notice about my body. First of all, within a few weeks of giving up cycling, my acid reflux had returned. Thankfully, not with the intensity it had before I started cycling (couple times a weeks). But it was back, and that wasn't a good thing at all. It only took about 4 months before I had an episode that put me over the sink throwing up in the middle of the night for about 30 minutes. I remember saying very gruffly going back to bed that this wouldn't be happening if I were still cycling.
I was also noticing that I was no longer comfortable in my uniform at work. I had shortened my belts while I was cycling, and had extra room in them even then. Now, I was starting to feel the belt cutting into my waist after a full day. By June, I was finding it hard to buckle my duty belt unless I really pulled the actual belt tight before adding the duty belt. I refused to go into a bigger size belt because I know that path all too well, and it ended me up at a whopping 238# just a short time before. I was going to have to control my eating if I was going to avoid gaining weight.
My knees were another point of distress for me. I have always had terrible knees, the kind that sound like rice krispies walking up stairs. Before cycling, it was snap, crackle, pop with every step. After I had been cycling for a while, that all but disappeared. Now that I wasn't cycling again, it was back, just as bad as before.
Then there was the sleep issue. I've always been able to sleep any time and anywhere, but without cycling, I seemed to never be able to wake refreshed in the morning. I was always groggy and lethargic.
Lets face facts, after I gave up cycling, I had a 40th birthday. I was getting older, and there was no escaping that. On the other hand, when I was cycling, I went from feeling like I was 40, to feeling like I was 20 again. The day I stopped, I was in the best shape of my life, and felt young. In just a half year, I went from that to feeling every bit of my 40, and making excuses for my body yet again.
I had to take a hard look at my lifestyle. Sure, I was eating reasonably, and hiking a few times a month. I wasn't obese like I had been (although I was on that track). I could sit back and accept it, or I could fight it. I decided to accept it.
Then on a very fateful day while at work, I ran into Mike Beane from the Kernersville Cycling club on a call I was on. He asked if I had time to talk because he had been wanting to talk with me about something cycling related. He caught my attention when he referred to me as one of his mentors (never really put myself in that position before). What he was waiting to talk about was whether or not he should continue cycling. We discussed his feelings on the issue and I remember saying that I didnt' think that he was ready to give it up, and offered some alternatives that would make it more enjoyable for him. I compared it to my situation and told him that when I quit; it was the right time for the right reasons. I honestly believed it, and hadn't really looked back since quitting.
It wasn't until some hours after talking with Mike I started to examine why I had quit, and what I had given up. I realized that I had given up a lifestyle. It wasn't a bike that I had given up, it wasn't the adrenaline of the fast descent. It was who I was deep down....I had given up who I was. That hit me like a sack of bricks, and it hurt. It hurt much more than any crash on a bike could ever hurt.
I realized why making the cover of the book wasn't fulfilling for me. While I will always enjoy photography, being a photographer is not who I am, its what I do. It was nice to have the recognition for the picture, but there was no inner celebration like when I climbed to the top of a category 1 mountain, or when I made it 212.24 miles in one day to the beach. Those were celebrations that I could have internally that were independent of what anyone else thought. It was me surpassing myself, and no camera in the world can give me that kind of satisfaction.
So, what do we do from here? I had recognized the issue, but had no idea what the solution was going to be. Unlike so many who want to get into cycling, I wasn't going to be able to do this cheap. In my two and a half years in the saddle, I learned an awful lot about what works and what doesn't. I had in mind what my next upgrade was going to be, and it was going to be an investment I couldn't afford, and that pretty much made the thoughts end there. Well, I still yearned for a chance to ride a bike down the road, but decided I had missed my opportunity.
To add insult to injury, three of my friends from my squad started riding after work. They would bring their bikes to the station and go out for a 14 mile ride after work a few times a week. It wouldn't have bothered me except that they knew I was pretty big into cycling at one time and when they had questions they would ask me. As time progressed, I went from giving advice to actually touching the bikes and making adjustments on them. That was the last straw. My hands were remembering what a bike felt like, and the smells were coming back. I could see in their faces the looks I had grown accustomed to with group rides and it took me right back to the Tuesday evening KCC rides.
I found myself thinking about riding a bike I didn't have more often than taking pictures with a camera I did have. My world was completely out of balance, and I was starting to get really depressed over my choices back in November. It was getting to the point where I was letting things slip out at home about riding bikes. Toni keyed in on it very quickly, and much to my surprise said that she thought I should go back to it. That was my last bastion of hope for not going full tilt into cycling once again. With that gone, my only excuse was...."we can't afford it, I'm not spending money like that for a hobby."
Toni knows me better than I give her credit for most of the time, and she knew exactly what was going on. She saw my need for riding, and knew that I needed this in my life. What she didn't know was that I had been lying to her about riding, and my job. It took a long time to get up the nerve to tell her my thoughts on this, but I finally did. I expected some sort of big reaction, but instead she came back with...."Well duh! of course your job is dangerous, I know that, and I'm ok with it." Hmm, so in essence, she was ok with the risks involved with work because it was my chosen career path, and was ok with the risks involved with cycling because I had it in my blood. OoooooooK. Now what?
As luck would have it, I had just finished paying my truck off a month or so ago, and had a little bit of extra money that wasn't accounted for yet. Would this be enough to get back into cycling at the level I wanted to? I started to look at bikes to see what I was going to be looking at. Just as before, I started to look at Cannondale, particularly at the CAAD10. I figured that I wasn't going to get into it as hard core as before and could deal with an aluminum frame as long as the drivetrain was good. I opted for an Ultegra race model that fit my needs well. The price was good, and I was going to be able to afford this bike without a problem. I started to research it, and found that the bottom bracket was a weakness in terms of producing noises, which I actually remember hearing from other Cannondale bikes before on group rides. I found ways of addressing that problem, but then started to read about how the ultra light aluminum frames are just as prone to failure as a carbon fiber frame. They also have a fatigue life which the way I ride might actually pose a problem for longevity. Of course, much of this is based on opinions instead of scientific fact, but it was enough to catch my attention.
I started to look back at my old friend the Specialized Tarmac and found that the prices were about where I remembered them being. I found an Ultegra equipped model which was similar to what I had ridden before, but I was going to have to do quite a bit of upgrading to get it back to where I had mine. The next option up, addressed the wheels, and optioned in a set of carbons, and changed the drivetrain out to a SRAM Force 22 group. This would be perfect and the price was at the top end of what I wanted to spend.
It was time to call Paul's Cycling and see what they had in stock. Me and my timing!!!! Apparently this was the close of the model year, and there were no more of that bike available until the 2015's were released. That meant that I was going to have to wait a while longer, but that was ok because I really wanted this bike. All of the research I had done said that SRAM was the way to go, and it addressed all the weak points that I had with the Ultegra drivetrain before. I was sold on SRAM!
Toni decided to take me hostage and we went to Paul's on Friday. Dale, who I normally deal with, was not at work that day, but I had a chance to talk with Paul and Dennis. They confirmed that I wasn't able to get the Pro Race Tarmac as a 2014. I asked for them to pull up the 2015's and the model was still there at the same price....Perfect!!! I even liked the paint much better than before. This was going to be sweet. That is until I started to skim the specs on the bike. SRAM Force had been replaced with Shimano Ultegra. That wasn't all that bad because I did like my Ultegra. However, the more I talked around the shop, the more everyone agreed that SRAM was the better choice overall. Looking at the offerings, SRAM wasn't available until you moved into the S-Works line of the Tarmac. For those of you who don't know, this is the professional level bike with the FACT 11R frame, and top of the line everything. It comes with a top of the line price as well...UGH!!!
Fortunately, I found a 2011 SL3 Tarmac Expert (a year later than what I had) on closeout because it hadn't been sold yet. The price was about what I had paid for mine, but had been in the shop quite a bit longer so I asked how much lower they could go. They weren't able to drop the price to where I felt comfortable buying it to upgrade components on. Back to square one....I could get the new Ultegra model, or step up to the S-Works which was what I had been lusting after in the closing months of my riding before.
We left after three hours without buying anything and no clear decision on what to do next. I only knew that I would be back the next day to talk with Dale. In the meantime, I debated on how to pay for whatever I chose. My only reasonable option was to use in-store credit which I detest doing, and Have only used credit in extreme circumstances before. Toni convinced me that this was extreme, and I should go ahead and use the credit, especially since my truck was paid off, and I had that monthly payment not spoken for. She had a good point, and made good sense. Which bike?????
We came back on Saturday right at opening and started talking the fundamental differences between the two bikes. For the S-Works, I was getting a better frame, much better groupset, and ceramic bearings in the wheel hubs and derailleurs. I was drooling at the idea of owning this bike, and really wanted it. Oh, the Ultegra was a nice bike too. Toni caught the nuisances of how I was talking about the two bikes and used her persuasive capabilities to convince me to go with what I wanted instead of worrying about upgrading right after buying. The logic was sound, and I went ahead and applied for credit.
You know you are a cyclist when your buying process for a bike is the same as for a car!!!!
With the credit app done, I was approved for a little over where I was expecting to be for all that I would need to buy...remember, I had sold everything cycling related, and essentially needed to start over. All I had left was my clothes (which are expensive in their own rights), and water bottles. everything else I would have to get new.
After another nearly 4 hours, I had a receipt that was about as tall as I was, and a picture of a bike that was still being manufactured overseas. I came home with three bags of items with several more bags on order. Its all a waiting game until everything arrives, with the bike being the last one in. I expect it around the end of the month, or beginning of September. Then it will be all about how quickly can I get back in shape and start taking control of my body again.
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